Embarrassment

a self-conscious and uncomfortable emotional state triggered by doing something socially unacceptable, awkward, or unexpected in front of others

It’s shown up as a theme lately, which is how these essays go. I feel this emotion-sorry, “emotional state”-so strongly. Growing up in a doctrinaire religious household where one internalizes the weight of being one of God’s people from the age of 5 will do that. OK, I only know that to be the case for others I’ve met they grew up Evangelical, but I’ll gladly tiptoe out onto the skinny branches and suppose it ain’t just a southern, Christian thang. And if you’ve ever wondered why I often spend time unpacking my biases and caveating my opinions before getting comfortable launching into judgement, I mean, criticism*, welcome deeper into my inner life.

As usual, themes for my essays manifest on multiple occasions and this one is no different. Top of mind- I recently started using a modality called Internal Family Systems or IFS with my talk therapist, within a context that is, while odd for someone who is word-vomitting their life into your inbox to say, too personal to put on a free, public blog. Besides the obvious connection of this choice to the first paragraph, I’m hoping to come out the other side of this part of my journey with the confidence that comes from an internalized sense of worth and free of the need for external approval. Don’t stop telling me how much you like my writing just yet though, please, at least, those of you who do (we’ll get to that btw).

Don’t worry I’m not going to try to sell anyone on Ted Lasso, even though I’m not going to apologize for being drawn to a show where the main character is a flawed white dude who’s at least trying to do the right thing. And whether you get wisdom, insight or solace from mainstream serials or not, S4E5 really hit for me after spending an hour analyzing my internal critic (and naming them for my loving and really judgmental great Aunt). All of the speech in the YouTube vidlinked above was inspirational, in the way good coaching should be (IE, not relying on making players feel shame and embarrassment). The part that I’m still hearing in my head several days later- “embarrassment: an emotion so worthless it should be embarrassed of itself.”

Also, holy cow is our (American) cultural relationship to this emotional state terrible- just Google it (below is from, well):

Purpose of the Emotion

Social feedback: It acts as an internal signal telling you that a social norm was broken.

Embarrassment as a perfectly normal super ego that’s just tryna’ keep you safe from social stigma. Sheesh.

How does this relate to my Art practice? I noted it peeking around the corner last weekend when talking with another artist about a piece that I was hesitant to work on any more before exhibiting it because I had these made-up rules I was more concerned about than my own gratification with the work. While “authenticity” and “honesty” are worthwhile values, when you find yourself, as an Artist, to be more concerned with whether imaginary people living rent free in your mind esteem you for them, verses focusing on what real world people will think of your actual Art, you’re setting yourself up for embarrassment by shielding yourself from embarrassment, which is embarrassing.

But the real emotional trap sprung (without me in it!) this last week after a conversation with another artist friend about a blog I wrote recently, which was edifying, despite my previously stated desire to crave external approval less. The conversation included me thanking them and sheepishly admitting I didn’t know for certain when anyone reads this blog. Which lead to me spending some time the next evening looking at the stats on my posts for (more) evidence that I was wrong about the eyes on my work (hey, I admitted I wasn’t over my neediness yet).

This lead to two realizations. First, from what I can gather, while I don’t have a lot of followers, a significant majority of you are reading my stand-alone essays. The second realization was that, for the four times this year I experimented with a monthly journal of what I had seen and liked around the (s)cene, the(tremendous) investment of resources to readership value wasn’t showing up in the data, as the kids say. Apparently well less than half of my readers took a peak- which I sort of knew, from some recent conversations- and where it was close, I’m betting it was actually due to the exhibit reviews I had embedded in each of them (don’t worry, I’ll re-publish those shortly as stand-alone blogs).

Jumping ahead before I circle back to embarrassment- the data was the proverbial straw or nail or whatever. I’m giving the journal project up. Quitting. Folding.

The trap? It sprung, but as I said, without me in it, despite the imaginary accusations that “I’m failing” and “I’m not following through” (most of you are creatives who I bet have your own, hurtful variations on the theme). I made up a whole chorus, in my head, with judgy old Aunt what’s-her-name SHDH at me and mumbling about letting people down. An obsession with self-imposed “commitments” masquerading as (proactive) embarrassment. When I said I wasn’t in the trap though, I mean that thanks to some of the work I’ve done, I didn’t get to wallow in that self loathing.

I can be pragmatic; a monthly newsletter/journal wasn’t bringing me more followers (individual essays were, though). It wasn’t moving the needle on Art writing in the Triangle, or advancing my career as a journalist. It wasn’t really “on the radar”- no shade, we’re all busy. But mostly, it wasn’t bringing me fulfillment full stop. I write this blog not just because I think enough of myself to assert my thoughts as worth reading. I want to write for the same reason I want to paint.

I can’t always say what “fulfillment” might be from day to day but it’s an IYKYK feeling, for sure. And today? Well… maybe there’s just one person reading who might need to hear that it’s normal to have concern about having your need for emotional safety met, and, worry about the potential for embarrassment isn’t a tool to gain actual safety. Connection is the only thing that creates that kind of safety (being honest about your inner life and concerns might not hurt either- thanks, Coach Lasso).

Will giving up the journal project mean I mention or write about less of what I see? Yes (but probably not visit less exhibits). I promise to do more to return your faithful reading with attention tantamount to the content.

*To whit, my last essay was my first foray into making… evaluative observations on an exhibit, a totally necessary step towards Art critical writing. I heavily caveated my own position at the beginning out of embarrassment, I think, about being judgmental (see first paragraph). And as a result of the essay, I got to learn and share. Through the graciousness of the Artist about whose work I made critical remarks, how was not embarrassed, but appreciative, and was interested in engaging me in conversation (well, a DM thread at least).

…
Despite having effectively called the whole journal thing off… rather than waste the work I had done to date on the next “issue” of -cene (calling dibs on that name btw) I am going to send along a somewhat edited draft. Enjoy.

What I’ve Seen (IRL)

Connie Sales Close to the Chest was the culmination of their residency at Artspace. While there was some lovely, textured work on paper that was pretty large scale, I was drawn to many of the smaller pieces which were created digitally using eye tracking technology. I think it’s harder to make impactful work at smaller scale. Also- credit to Artistic Director Alexandra Jane for a beautiful show statement that explained the show’s title very poetically. Really lovely, hope you all caught it.

Went down to Wilson with the spouse to see the whirligigs (for the first time) and “discovered” the American Center for Photographers, which was hosting Simon Vansteenwinckel‘s To The Shadows, a black and white chronicle of the Lakota tradition of retracing Chief Big Foot’s journey to the site of the Wounded Knee massacre. Beautiful and powerful, and “hidden” away in little Wilson, NC. Amazing.

Another visit to an exhibit I really enjoyed was Gayle Blevin’s Slow Art tour at the Jobe House to discuss My Counsin’s House (Artspace and Horace Williams House also hosted events in August). If you’ve never attended one, you should sign up for her email list and I also suggest following The Art Chose Me on IG.

What I’ve written about

Mostly about the relationship of writing to visual art, specifically where it has worked for me and where it hasn’t.

What they’ve written about

Tussle Magazine published an intriguing collection of essays by writers.

I also loved learning about Theora Hamblitt, courtesy of Amanda Malloy and Burnaway. If you’ve said (to me or anyone recently) that you want to see more Art writing then you’re a financial supporter of Burnaway. Right? No need to feel embarrassed if you aren’t, it’s so easy to do

Patriotism came up as it always does in July. I liked John Mark Wilson‘s and Liz Bucar‘s takes. The latter because optimism is something I try to have. Maybe that’s not what Bucar would say the article is about; I think she’d say it’s about striving, which is what her take has in common with Wilson’s. The former is a buddy of mine from Boy Scouts who has served in the military in several overseas deployments and he has shown loyalty and caring for me over the decades. He has a perspective that most of us reading an Art blog on Sunday morning don’t consider. This man has a big fucking heart and I love him, so I try to listen to his perspective, always.

PSS interviewed Raleigh’s own Bill Thelen a while back, but I didn’t catch it till recently when Bill pushed it on his ‘stack. Sarah Edwards at INDYWeek also did an interview to say goodbye to the prior stages of his practice that were the Lump team and Project Space.

Not all stories came to an end. While the Carrack isn’t back, Laurie Ritchie is- in partnership with Shirlette Ammons– with the launch of Boardinghouse (again, hat tip to Sarah Edwards for, perhaps, getting Indy back into at least the business of covering the art scene, even if not specifically the Art writing biz…).

What I’m looking forward to

Iris Moyan Wang at DAG, opening late October. I’ve been enjoying learning about Iris’s practice, as I’ll be doing a review of this one. I encourage you to put it on your to-do list. Stay tuned…

And I’ll end with a personal (and super vague) announcement- I have (a) work in progress for a collaborative project/exhibit, yet to be announced, but opening in Raleigh in November.